08/07/2025
Me? Posting things on this page? It's more likely than you'd think!
I've been meaning to post things on here for ages and I really should've been because I've been steadily questioning my gender and gender expression since like late March but I just never got around to it really. It's frustrating because I don't have any idea how I was conceptualising my gender before that - I remember talking about considering myself genderqueer with my then-boyfriend in late March and I remember considering switching to he/they pronouns in like February but I have no idea when I stopped id-ing as a binary man and started to view myself as genderqueer again. But I know for sure since April I've been actively considering myself non-binary, and lately bigenderism has been on my mind.
I don't care too much about having specific labels obviously - I've been pushing my gender under the rug for years really, not in a 'let's not address that' way, more just in an I have no idea what's going on and I'm fine with that kind of a way. I've been happy to call myself male and be done with it, and I'm still happy to do that in an official capacity, but personally and in my queer community I've been switching to a more genderqueer view of myself.
I think being bigender occured to me first in May. I went on this hike at like 9am by the beach and I was insanely sleep deprived and I had a huge gender crisis - this was kind of when I started primarily ID-ing as non-binary rather than male, whereas before that they were equal and coexistent as labels. I remember just feeling my entire concept of my gender unravel the same way it did when I first transitioned at 13, but the more I thought about it the more I realised I did have a good handle on my gender and my presentation at least is fairly accurate. I've never fully abandoned my identity as a girl, but I used to view it as something I grew out of, and now I'm questioning whether I still think I am a girl in some capacity or if I just like casually referring to myself as such. Does it matter? And I guess what does it mean to be a girl, or a boy, or anything for that matter? I really don't know, to be honest. I think that's why I've been avoiding writing about it - I don't know what I really think or feel about anything, to be honest.
I've gone back to ID-ing as genderflux these past few weeks (months? Since mid-June, I think?) as there are some days when I'm happy with male as a label and other days I feel much more genderqueer. I wonder if genderfluid might be a more accurate label, changing between maleness and bigenderism or whatever nebulous middle space I'm occupying the rest of the time. I am definitely occupying another space gender-wise though - before I left there were a few evenings with my friends when they'd refer to me primarily using they/them and that felt right, and I felt like I was separate from the other guys in the room gender-wise, like I was occupying that middle space. When I first came back and I was fixing my bike it felt like something that should've been gender euphoric in a masculine way, something that made me feel like a man, but instead I felt androgynous, genderless maybe, or maybe just in between, or that my gender didn't matter.
I don't know how I'm going to express my gender in September. I'm going to meet a slew of new people and try and decide how they're going to know me - my name is easy, that's non-negotiable, and I'm accessorising enough to be hitting androgyny in my gender expression to some extent. (My approach to presentation at the moment is just being primarily masculine and then accessorising like hell. Earrings, necklaces, I have a bead strap for my phone now, that's the femininity. It feels like the presence of both rather than the absence of both.) And my pronouns are publicly he/they at the moment - sidenote that I find it frustrating that you have to pick either he/they or they/he and both feel like they have a different emphasis even though it's the same exact set of pronouns - so people will know that. I don't know, it'll be interesting. At the start of last year I was a man, now I'm non-binary again. It's been nice to explore gender and be more fluid with it, I hope I carry on working it out.