19/04/2025
I keep finding pieces of my old self scattered all over this town. I hadn't realised I'd lost so much.
17/04/2025
Anyway. I didn't actually intend my last post to end up as post-breakup rambling. Initially I was gonna say something along the lines of, why do I make everything more difficult and painful for myself (regarding all the profile checking, and I think I answered that question below). And also, what I'm gonna try and write up over the next week, hopefully, because I do want to get back into this.
I wanted to write abt Eurovision and maybe sad music on my music section, I'm well overdue a post about gender, and I could go for a ramble about shorts and my current style thoughts on my style tab. And I'm gonna drop back into here more, hopefully. It's my section of the void to spill my guts into. And I could do with getting back into the habit of spilling my guts. I have a lot of guts to spill right now.
17/04/2025
Woah, we're over halfway through April. I only just realised that. It figures to be honest - I've been at home since Monday and somehow it's already Thursday and I'm only here another week. Oh, I love spilling my guts to the void. (I'm so obsessed with this phrase. The urge is to put it as my Discord about.) There's something so freeing about just saying everything - a little vaguely, at least - and knowing probably no one is paying any attention. Anyway, yeah, this time next week I'll be back in Wales, and suddenly that feels very very soon, even though I've not exactly been loving being back here. Somewhere around my anxiety attack yesterday I settled into my solitude and now the thought of having to be around other people (especially my friends, who are so close in the loveliest way, and I missed that closeness so much when I first got back here and now I'm dreading facing it when I'm back) seems so overwhelming. I've given into the gloom a little bit - I spent Monday and Tuesday expecting myself to be happy and trying to be okay and then being worse because of it. So now I'm on the brooding German synthpop and my friend's breakup playlist and I'm not pretending I'm unchanged anymore.
It's kind of difficult to work out how to not overdo this - I think the writing is helping, because it's bringing me back out of my feelings and into words and reality. I keep checking their profiles, and I checked their playlist earlier, which I've been making a point to myself of not doing because Spotify's only just stopped recommending it to me. It's just, now we're not messaging anymore and it's just radio silence from them, so I'm checking their Instagram to see if they've got songs playing and I'm checking their Spotify and checking their Discord because that's the only way I can find anything out. I wish we could still be chatting, I want to talk to them. I want to be there for them, with them, through all this, but obviously I can't, and I don't actually want to, because they've just broken my heart, and it would be so painful, and I hurt myself, or let them hurt me, enough the night we broke up without making it any worse now.
I wasn't going to ramble about the breakup, but I'm in it now, so I guess I need to, and this is my corner of the void to scream into, so scream I will. Everything I do online nowadays - every change of profile picture, name, pronouns, username - I don't know, I want them to know I'm here, I'm still here, I'm changed and thinking and reflecting and growing and still here. I don't want it to be radio silence for them too. I'm feeling their absence so violently. I want them to be able to find me if my presence can give them any sort of comfort. I wish I could give more. I'm already giving too much, and I need to give up a little more, pull back and move on. I just care too much, and as far as flaws go, that's one I'm happy to have, frankly. At least I have that. I'm holding onto this - how much I care, have cared, continued to care, and that's pulling me through. I'm getting through this a lot on my wish for us to be friends at the end of this. On one hand that kind of makes me feel stupid, I guess, because I don't think they care about me nearly as much. I mean, I know they like me and care about me, but I'm very aware of the disparity between us in that regard. But I'd rather care too much, I think. I'd rather care more. Even if it's unrequited, I think that's the kind of person I want to me. That's a kind of person I can be happy about being. It's something I like about myself. I've got to start somewhere.
18/03/2025
Wow, guess who completely forgot to update this. It doesn't even feel like it's been that long but it's been a hectic few weeks I guess. Hectic, idk. Eventful? I wasn't sleeping and then I was sleeping and somehow during all that I got a boyfriend. Well, a maybe-boyfriend, but hopefully a definitely-boyfriend by the end of the week. Surprisingly, dating takes a lot of time, and pining kind of takes up the rest of the time, and when you put writing love songs into the mix, well. Oh and the whole work thing I've been doing. That too.
God, now I'm here I don't even know what to talk about. There's so much I could get into. I should post in here more that's literally what this is for. Alas.
Anywayyy, I've been looking for summer internships and ugh it's a nightmare. It just seems like there isn't anything at all and like, I guess I could email companies directly but that just feels so awkward. It's like they're actively trying to stop you getting into the jobs you want. So many STEM internships but like some of us aren't STEM-ing, are we, so wtf are we meant to do?? Everywhere needs experience but refuses to give experience, and the one good internship I did find was only for folks from a lower socio-economic background, which, fair enough, but it'd be nice if there were SOME opportunities for the rest of us cause unfortunately being middle class does not necessarily equate to opportunities, especially coming from a state school with no family in the business.
Regardless, I am feeling kind of optimistic about summer, which is weird because the last few summers have been kind of nightmarish for me. I've just felt so trapped and bored and listless, y'know? And my bad luck in getting jobs hasn't exactly helped, but that at least will hopefully be better this year now that I have at least SOME experience and a few places I know should be hiring, and hopefully I won't even need that bc I'll get my work sorted by April. Wouldn't that be nice. And then, well, it's gonna be weird going home, especially if the probably-boyfriend is staying here (or going home also to his town) and going back to childhood for 3 months. I think it's gonna be really weird. Still optimistic though, and I have no idea why. I'm just yearning for the sun and bike rides and the countryside I think. I just want to read outdoors and sit on the grass and paddle lmao. I should have some of summer here, which will be nice, but then that begs the question of when to go home, beyond just when my contract ends, and that's also gonna be a tough call. Oh well. I'll figure it out.
25/02/2025
God insomnia's a bitch. That's it that's the whole post
23/02/2025
On one hand I do think it's important to just go where your mind wants to go and not try and control yourself or your thoughts too much, but equally I've got plans tomorrow that I'm very excited/apprehensive/nervous about and I just cannot stop thinking about them. And it's like, sometimes that can be productive, but at a certain point I just get bored and overwhelmed and I don't want to make a huge deal out of it in my head, y'know?
Anyway, if you notice how many posts I'm going on the various areas of this website today, it's part of my efforts to distract myself. I'd love to do some more proper coding because I find that that can be very engrossing but there's nothing specific I feel like doing - that's another frustrating thing I'm experiencing a lot at the moment, wanting to do something but not being in the mood for anything. Ugh, why is having a mind like this. Maybe I need to resign myself to it or properly commit to a distraction - I'll see what I can find to engross myself. I've been rereading Pride & Prejudice and I'm thinking about rewatching the film - maybe that'll be it, or researching a random topic or something. Maybe I'll get ahead with some uni reading. Ach, I'll figure it out.